How Do You Rate?

You know when you are growing old when… Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work, your knees buckle and your belt won't. You sit down in a rocking chair and you can hardly get it going and you regret all those times you resisted temptation. If you go into a bar, you order Geritol on the rocks. You think gay means happy and vivacious. You look forward to spending a quiet evening at home. Your back goes out oftener than you do. You know all the answers but no one asks the questions. Your little black book contains a lot of phone numbers but they all end in M.D. Your mind makes agreements your body can't keep. You finally get it all together and then you can't remember where you put it. You get tired dialing long distance. You can't seem to get around to procrastinating. Your favorite newspaper column is 25 years ago today - or more. You don't need an alarm clock to get up at 6 a.m. After painting the town red, you wait a long time before applying a second coat. You burn the midnight oil by 9 p.m. You feel like the morning after and you haven't even been any place. Anything under a quarter isn't worth bending over to pick up. Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever you see a pretty lady go by. You might get winded playing checkers. The only whistles you get are from the teakettle. Your children begin to look middle aged. The gleam in your eye is just the sun reflecting on your bifocals. You stop to think and sometimes you can't get started again. You sink your teeth into a nice juicy steak and they stay there. You finally make it to the top of the ladder but it's leaning against the wrong wall.

Now if you have any of the above symptoms, you might consider joining the geriatrics club.