Over the last few years, the usual visitation and paying your respects at funeral homes has become less common. Times are changing. The 3-day visitation plus memorial service and prayer times, which was almost the norm a couple of decades ago, barely happens anymore. More and more graveside services are held, which can be defined as the formal service held by the graveside, just prior to the body being ready for burial in the ground. This could also be with the urn of ashes in a columbarium.
As a pastor, you know you will certainly need to officiate funerals. In this article, you will learn the what to do as well as the how to be, such as the proper etiquette, Scriptures to use, and learn how to determine the length of the service as well as many other details.
Attitudes
The death of a loved one ushers in a cascade of complex emotions, and planning a service to honor, remember, and celebrate these cherished individuals can feel overwhelming. You want to help during this difficult time. You, as a compassionate pastor, provide support and comfort in designing a meaningful commemoration to honor the deceased loved one.
As in any official function, you must show the greatest respect to the family’s needs and desires. This important milestone is one where it is never about you. As much as possible, agree to the family’s demands, unless it goes against personal and biblical beliefs.
You must be present. By present, it is understood that you’re physically, emotionally, and spiritually there for the family. Email calls and other common disturbances are to be avoided.
You should even ask the family what they’re expecting from you. They usually desire things like scripture reading and soothing words. Some families may want you to present the Gospel message of Salvation, or they may ask you to be the last one to leave.
Jesus was moved and brought to tears over losing loved ones. You too can feel the emotion the family is living. Empathy is always a must for any funeral service.
Displaying such attitudes of respect, presence, timeliness, and support speak to your godly character.
Proper Etiquette
Whatever is fashionable at the time you read this article, let it be known that a funeral service is not time to make a fashion statement. The common simple, somber and modest colors are not only welcomed but recommended.
If you’re driving your own vehicle to the gravesite, make sure it’s clean and leave the close parking spots for the family. What may seem obvious to you may not be to everyone. If the family asks you to share a ride with them, oblige to their demand. They usually will provide a way back to your car.
When you arrive at the gravesite, ask the hosting funeral home where to stand. Usually, you should stand at the head of the casket, facing the people. If there is no place there, you can stand next to it.
You should ask the funeral home if they have a timeline they need to respect. If it is a military family, for example, holding a graveside service in a national cemetery will be limited to 7 or 8 minutes.
It is proper to keep standing and not sit, even if there are chairs available. Those chairs are reserved for the immediate family, starting with the spouse, the elderly and then children.
As the officiant pastor, it is appreciated if you welcome each guest.
Order of Affairs
Here are specific components of your graveside service.
A graveside service, by nature, is usually a short(er) service. Most families will have held a memorial service prior. Since that is the case, you should limit your intervention to 8 to 12 minutes. This allows you to share words of comfort without necessarily repeating a compressed version of a memorial service. A good reminder to keep it short is that no one is there for the pastor!
Start off with thank you’s. There are many of them you want to share. Thank people for their presence there, mention how grateful the family is for their homages and how their presence helps to begin the grieving process. Don’t forget anyone else involved (funeral home, cemetery and/or military staff).
Many people may not know who you are. Introduce yourself and share the church you’re representing. If you’re part of a pastoral team, offer your condolences on behalf of the staff and church family.
You may want to read the obituary if you consider it is needed. If the graveside service is the only memorial service, you want to include it in your order.
You don’t want your graveside service to be a shorter version of a full service yet include 2 or 3 things to remember of the deceased. The remembering part should portray great character and accomplishments.
The Scriptures have the power to soothe even the hardest and sharpest pain. Choose verses that share God’s presence and comfort, like Psalm 34:18, Matthew 5:4, Psalm 23. You may add verses talking about the brevity of life that David so well describes in Psalm 103:15 and 16.
Remind people of God’s love and how nothing separates us from it like the apostle Paul writes in Romans 8. As you read those powerful texts, take the time to let them sink in. There is no rush to read through them.
If the deceased had a favorite scripture, make sure you read it.
As you are concluding the service, this is when you can recite prayers and prepare your send-off. You can read the send-off below.
Additional Ceremonial Components
These happen after the official last send-off.
Roses: These are available to deposit on the casket before it is lowered into the ground. Guide people into this by simply telling them to grab a flower and put it on the casket as they walk away.
Sand: After the casket is lowered into the ground, you can guide people to grab the shovel and put sand on the casket.
Balloons: You can invite guests to choose a balloon and release it to fly into the horizon.
Send Off
Though there are many different ones, this send-off offers comfort.
Since NAME OF DECEASED soul has gone to meet you, his Creator, we bring his body to this place which has just been prepared for his rest, that ashes return to ashes, the dust to dust, and that which is imperishable, abides forever with the Lord.
God, you are a refuge for us,
You rescue us when we are in distress.
That is why we are not afraid when we are upset.
We have brought nothing in this world, and it is a certainty that we will not bring anything with us.
And now we offer and commend NAME OF THE DECEASED to our Lord our God. We say to you in the midst of our sorrow and loss, that we are grateful that you lived your life among us, even though a short one. We take relief in knowing that your suffering has ended. We release you now into the Everlasting and Loving Arms of Our Lord. You may know Wholeness and Peace now and through all eternity.
This concludes our service for NAME OF THE DECEASED. Thank you for your presence.
There is no “one right way” to conduct a graveside service but we hope these points are helpful as you prepare. Losing a loved one is never easy, and pastors can play a comforting role for family and friends through this difficult time. We hope you felt encouraged reading this article.
